χScreenname - What they said - Anything else.
χScreenname - What they said - Anything else.
COMMENTS FROM MADS THE MAGNIFICENT!
Deadline 1:
Firstly, I really like the colour scheme with your layout.
Admittedly, the grey on black is at times a little dull, but I do like the colours on your dividers and banner very much.
I really liked the second part of the synopsis you provided, it added a little more information, but kept all the suspense alive and didn’t give too much away.
{Oh my gosh I was so excited when I saw: ‘A Shadow’; that was one of the rogue groups in a really bad fan fiction I posted on here - my first ever - I’m now praying you shan’t find it! XD}
Moving onto your character descriptions - and I’m sure you know what I’m going to say; I’ve said this to everyone! - they are slightly too long.
I like the description, but I’m going to be a little harsh here {apologies; it’s just because I know how brilliant you are and I want to help you as much as possible!}, I take a perhaps different view to some, which is completely fine, that character descriptions shouldn’t be as lengthy as roleplay joining forms.
I understand about getting the character across from the beginning, and admittedly, I really enjoyed reading them because they were slightly humorous and very well written, but I do still think their length was a little over what I’m looking for.
I think that you ought to be able to get across their personality in the story, and the reader doesn’t want to read a bunch of information before the story begins, so therefore there ought not be so much information. But, like I said, I did enjoy reading it, and I don’t mind too much, because you only have three characters up.
My advice is, as long as you keep it under five characters, you are fine with descriptions of that length, but next time try and use their appearance to describe their characteristics {for example: “Shadow is a stiff-jointed she-cat with fierce green eyes that burn with intensity, and matted, untidy fur.” - This indicates that Shadow is old, although slightly defiant in being so, and also sharp and clever, although she appears to have given up slightly in caring for herself. See what I mean? It told us about her appearance and personality in one.}.
Overall, an lovely-looking layout, with description that although may need a slight trim, definitely shows the reader a brilliant snippet of what is to come, and just reading this has made me really impatient to read your story!
Good luck Flo and I hope I wasn’t too confusing!
Deadline 2:
So, firstly your language is very fluid and the imagery is brilliant, and I pictured everything very clearly, and was able to define their personalities and characteristics; his being non-commitant and perhaps slightly deceiving and using of Ven, hers being that she was so in love with him, she did not want to see past her vision of him into the truth.
Perhaps it was a little short, however, when you think about the depth you went into, even though it wasn’t very long, I think it was the perfect length for you to explain everything and set the right mood for the story. You know instantly that this is going to be a tale of revenge; perhaps a little bit of a clichéd, slightly rushed ending, which you could have gone over in a little more detail, but it was still suspenseful and made me want to read on.
You had the right mix of short and long sentences, and your punctuation varied and wasn’t kept too simple, but wasn’t overused and distracting from the actual writing itself.
A couple of things I wanted to point out:
Rainstrike's eyes tore away from her's {hers} for a heartbeat; his throat bobbed as he swallowed.
The tall black tom loomed over her, carrying with him the musky scent of alpha male. He pressed his nose into her forehead while purring strongly with affection for her. {Perhaps, here, your choice of words is a little misleading, because they should be sightly softer words maybe, that do not contradict the nature of his actions and his affectionate intentions.}
Although, in some places, I think things didn’t make as much sense when you only read them once, like the slightly awkward wording of the first line in your third paragraph.
You slightly dipped in and out of informal and formal third person, but only slightly, so nothing major enough for you to have to change anything. I think the second paragraph felt slightly rushed, and not quite as detailed as the first one, so perhaps add a little depth to that one.
The revelation with her sister being with her mate, and Ven being pregnant was all a bit sudden and with not enough explanation really, so I think going back over that would definitely be worth it, just adding a little more.
Overall, a brilliantly written prologue, which uses the short length to great effect with very few grammar mistakes but a slightly rushed ending.
♥Swanwhisper - //hands cookie- Congrats, first fan <3
♥eyesoftthestars - //hands back your dreams, all taped back together- Its alright! <3 Thanks <3
♥Tansypath - Thank yous soo much <3
♥lynxjump - Thanks for being a fan, my dear! <3
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Contest #1:
