Warrior's Refuge

A friendly community for fans of the Warriors series.


You are not connected. Please login or register

χχ For Reαѕoɴѕ Uɴĸɴowɴ χχ - ღLᴏᴠᴇ ᴏʀ Dᴇᴀᴛʜ﹖☠ Chapter 1 up!

View previous topic View next topic Go down  Message [Page 1 of 1]

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain

 Welcome, lovelies, to my second fan fic' on the new and amazing Warrior's Refuge. For Reasons Unknown will be my entry to the ℓσиє ѕтαя competition being ran and judged by mads1345. I'm pretty excited about writing this fan fiction, but first I wanna thank you for coming and reading my work ^^ Hope you enjoy <3

 
I'm an assassin of the night.
 
Deadly and cold-hearted.
 
I feel nothing; only my own well-being.
 
But somehow, I cannot bring myself to kill....her
 
If I do not complete the job, my life is endangered, and my days numbered, but I just, can't do it, for reasons unknown.
 
I must make my choice.
 
Fang has trained as a Shadow for as long as one's memory might stretch now, moons and moons. He always strives for the best technique in the killing blow; seizing the opportunity of murdering as soon as it arises. He depends upon the jobs of slaughter for his own life. But his usual quickness in the business is slowed down thanks to the one cat he meets.
But why? He's been doing this for years now and all of a sudden one cat starts to make his plans back-track into the dust? How? What are his mouse-brained reasons?!

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
Fang - Fang is a dark brown tabby tom with short striped fur. Though his fur is so dark brown its hard to see any visible stripes in it; but be trustful, its brown not black! Fang is tall and muscular, with dark brown eyes with blue-green shadowing the irises.



Lochspirit - Lochspirit is a long-furred she-cat . Her fur is a light silver tabby coat. She has a creamy-white coloured underbelly, paws, muzzle, and tail-tip. Lochspirit is rather petite, small. Well the definition of petite in calling her skinny would be incorrect. She's short, and not very big. But not frail. Rather, lean. She has light, blue eyes that reflect the depths of the sky.




Felony - Felony is a light grey, silver she-cat with black spirals and stripes running through her fur and dappling her body. She has thick scars like wet tree bark covering her body, including one over her left eye. Speaking of which, she has a hazel-goldenish eye. Felony )is colossal, very large and muscular like a tom.




Swan The Spectacular (Swanwhisper) - Swan is one of my best friends. She's funny and sweet, but most of all I really admire her writing. My inspiration for doing this is mainly seeing how amazing her fanfiction Haunted is. I mean, on top of being a fantablous writer she's also very friendly and funny and just plain awesome <3  







Mads The Magnificent - Well, of course. Because without her this fan fiction wouldn't be possible. Literally. I mean, in hindsight I could've brainstormed an idea similar to it, but never as good as her prompt was for the fan fiction. Also, she's hosting the competition, so why not?







Eyes The Excellent - Of course, my fellow competitor! Honestly, I've seen some of Eyes writing and its awesome. I'm proud to befriend Eyes and hopefully allow her to me partially dedicate this fan fic' to her because yea. Who said battlers cannot be friends?






Lynx The Lovely - Again, why not befriend my competitor? I haven't seen much of Lynx's writing, but I've seen her RPing skills and that's close enough. If you really get to know Lynx, she'll really actually seem lovely to you. An amazing gal indeed.







Phantomstar3739 - Phantom seemingly comes to all the fan fics' I make - well, usually.She's a very unique and diligent writer herself and I admire her. I especially like her ongoing fan fiction: New Blood. Thanks Phantom!





☣Sнα∂σωƒα¢є☣ - Holy carp, I always see you at Clans of the Valley and Curse. And although I've never read any of the fan fics there - I just watch from afar- Its my forum goal to. I may not have read your fan fictions, but based on the popularity of those threads, I really should. You seem so amazing.





cakeengland - I haven't seen any of your writings, but I've seen you on WFF so much I guarantee one day I can find some. You're just so cool.




ѕωιƒтƒαℓcση - I think besides Swan and Eyes, you're the number one person I see in the WFF. You're a very good writer and have a lot of potential. Keep writing, I love it <3




ᴛᴜᴇsᴅᴀʏ - You, on the other hand. I've seen lots of your writing and its truly excellent. Very elegant. I admire it greatly. Thanks, Tuesday.




~♥Flowerheart♥~ - While I haven't seen any of your works and I don't see you around the WFF as often as I'd like to see you, I still think you're a really cool person. And believe it or not, if you don't recall, we used to talk at one of my dens way back when. Thanks <3




Dingoleap - Dingo! I see you consonantly around the fan fiction forum. And I've seen a few of your works. I really admire them and you. <3 Thanks!



➳ The Dreamer - I've sen you a lot, hanging around WFF. You're a terrific writer and a really nice person overall. You really do rock <3 Thanks.

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain



Last edited by separated segments on June 13th 2015, 11:06 am; edited 5 times in total

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
χScreenname - What they said - Anything else.



χScreenname - What they said - Anything else.




COMMENTS FROM MADS THE MAGNIFICENT!


Deadline 1:

Firstly, I really like the colour scheme with your layout.

 

Admittedly, the grey on black is at times a little dull, but I do like the colours on your dividers and banner very much.

 

I really liked the second part of the synopsis you provided, it added a little more information, but kept all the suspense alive and didn’t give too much away.

 

{Oh my gosh I was so excited when I saw: ‘A Shadow’; that was one of the rogue groups in a really bad fan fiction I posted on here - my first ever - I’m now praying you shan’t find it! XD}

 

Moving onto your character descriptions - and I’m sure you know what I’m going to say; I’ve said this to everyone! - they are slightly too long.

 

I like the description, but I’m going to be a little harsh here {apologies; it’s just because I know how brilliant you are and I want to help you as much as possible!}, I take a perhaps different view to some, which is completely fine, that character descriptions shouldn’t be as lengthy as roleplay joining forms.

 

 I understand about getting the character across from the beginning, and admittedly, I really enjoyed reading them because they were slightly humorous and very well written, but I do still think their length was a little over what I’m looking for.

 

 I think that you ought to be able to get across their personality in the story, and the reader doesn’t want to read a bunch of information before the story begins, so therefore there ought not be so much information. But, like I said, I did enjoy reading it, and I don’t mind too much, because you only have three characters up. 




My advice is, as long as you keep it under five characters, you are fine with descriptions of that length, but next time try and use their appearance to describe their characteristics {for example: “Shadow is a stiff-jointed she-cat with fierce green eyes that burn with intensity, and matted, untidy fur.” - This indicates that Shadow is old, although slightly defiant in being so, and also sharp and clever, although she appears to have given up slightly in caring for herself. See what I mean? It told us about her appearance and personality in one.}.

 




Overall, an lovely-looking layout, with description that although may need a slight trim, definitely shows the reader a brilliant snippet of what is to come, and just reading this has made me really impatient to read your story!

 

Good luck Flo and I hope I wasn’t too confusing!



Deadline 2:




So, firstly your language is very fluid and the imagery is brilliant, and I pictured everything very clearly, and was able to define their personalities and characteristics; his being non-commitant and perhaps slightly deceiving and using of Ven, hers being that she was so in love with him, she did not want to see past her vision of him into the truth.

 

Perhaps it was a little short, however, when you think about the depth you went into, even though it wasn’t very long, I think it was the perfect length for you to explain everything and set the right mood for the story. You know instantly that this is going to be a tale of revenge; perhaps a little bit of a clichéd, slightly rushed ending, which you could have gone over in a little more detail, but it was still suspenseful and made me want to read on.

 

You had the right mix of short and long sentences, and your punctuation varied and wasn’t kept too simple, but wasn’t overused and distracting from the actual writing itself.

 

 A couple of things I wanted to point out:

 
Rainstrike's eyes tore away from her's {hers} for a heartbeat; his throat bobbed as he swallowed. 
 
The tall black tom loomed over her, carrying with him the musky scent of alpha male. He pressed his nose into her forehead while purring strongly with affection for her. {Perhaps, here, your choice of words is a little misleading, because they should be sightly softer words maybe, that do not contradict the nature of his actions and his affectionate intentions.}

 

Although, in some places, I think things didn’t make as much sense when you only read them once, like the slightly awkward wording of the first line in your third paragraph.

 

You slightly dipped in and out of informal and formal third person, but only slightly, so nothing major enough for you to have to change anything. I think the second paragraph felt slightly rushed, and not quite as detailed as the first one, so perhaps add a little depth to that one.

 

The revelation with her sister being with her mate, and Ven being pregnant was all a bit sudden and with not enough explanation really, so I think going back over that would definitely be worth it, just adding a little more.

 

Overall, a brilliantly written prologue, which uses the short length to great effect with very few grammar mistakes but a slightly rushed ending.




♥Swanwhisper - //hands cookie- Congrats, first fan <3



♥eyesoftthestars - //hands back your dreams, all taped back together- Its alright! <3 Thanks <3

♥Tansypath - Thank yous soo much <3


♥lynxjump - Thanks for being a fan, my dear! <3


♥Fan here







♥Fan here







♥Fan here

Contest #1:



Last edited by separated segments on June 13th 2015, 11:08 am; edited 2 times in total

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
Credit to the banner, headers, and divider goes to Swanwhisper at her graphics shop
Coding credit goes to Jay-stripe

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
Prologue

Shadows seemed to engulf the forest, leaving it in purple darkness despite the fact that it was in the midst of day. The only two creatures that seemed to stir in the area were her and him. Time was frozen; they were spotlighted in a shaft of luminescent crimson red light that broke through from nowhere.
 
The tall black tom loomed over her, carrying with him the musky scent of alpha male.  He pressed his nose into her forehead while purring and smiling crookedly down at her. Clover green eyes watched her closely; the tom struggled in making his actions believable, that he truly did love her despite his trickster, backstabbing ways.

But the she-cat in which his body protectively wrapped around wouldn't believe his treachery then direct act of love towards her afterwards. The thin ice that marked their time together was cracking to reveal freezing depths. She took a step back - stumbled out of his reach.

"Promise me, now! Please, Rainstrike!" she half-hissed, half-whined. Her ears flattened back. She searched his eyes in desperation, struggling to read his true feelings.

Rainstrike's eyes tore away from hers for a heartbeat; his throat bobbed as he swallowed. "Of course, Ven. I promise. Not any other cat will win my love as you do. Ever." he said quietly, striding forward and pulling her petite body back against his broad chest.


The she-cat went rigid at first touch but gradually relaxed. She frantically sorted through her lavish storm of thoughts. Had she not caught his hesitance? Or had she, but chose to ignore it?


~~~
 
They were together, a seemingly happy couple for two moons after that. The she-cat let herself fall back in love with him; she out her trust back into Rainstrike.

Excitement flitted in her belly. Now she was expectant of his kits. Kits! They would be a happy family; a normal family; the perfect family. The she-cat padded along the forest floor, darting through undergrowth and letting the cool twilight tickle her whiskers.


Rainstrike had gone hunting at sun-high and hadn't yet returned. She'd known for about a moon now that she was pregnant; she hoped to find him and surprise him with the news at last. Her tail waved excitedly as she trotted along following his scent trail - not at all noticing the other mingled scent along with it. . .


She was getting closer and closer. His attractive scent was nearer. Just around this corner, she told herself. She lowered her belly as if stalking a piece of prey so he wouldn't know she was coming, then peeked around the edge of a rose bush.

There he was. She leaned closer, eyeing him. He was circling around something. The scent of two beings became clearer to her. Her eyes widened as she got the sight of the other feline.

Shadedapple? What was her sister doing with Rainstrike? Her heart thumped loudly.
She wasn't seeing this correctly, was she? Rainstrike was rubbing against Shadedapple's cheek, tail brushing across her flank. Wasn't that more than just a friendly gesture?


"Oh, Shadedapple," she perked her ears forward to hear what Rainstrike was whispering to her littermate. "You're my one and only; I love you more than the stars in Silverpelt."

Shadedapple purred in response, winding closer to him.

The she-cat couldn't believe it. To keep in yowling in complete mortification, she slapped hr tail over her mouth. So, Rainstrike was choosing her own sister over her? Slowly, she backed away while vichously shaking her head. 
 

She inwardly implored for it to all be a mistake; he wasn't really with her sister. But she knew what she was seeing was not just friendly companions' acts.

Emotions leaped like flames out of her eyes. She was unsure of whether to be infuriated or saddened. Before she could decide her feelings, tears waterfall-ed from her eyes and decided for her.

After a while of silent sobbing, the she-cat's sadness devoured into just sniffles. Anger and vengeful feelings writhed for power over the shuddering depression in her body now.

Hatred won over. She pondered for awhile, then decided something. She wouldn't dwell over what had happened. She wouldn't cause herself more pain. This dilemma had only one possible outcome.

Revenge.



Chapter 1: Thirty



I stared down at the battered body of my most recent victim.
 
The poor guy had it coming for him. It only took me moments to think up a plan, which I really didn't have to ponder on considering he set himself up for a trap right after I got appointed to him; he'd decided to go on a morning walk all alone, the mouse-brained idiot! I already knew Barleyclaw had had a breathing disorder, which was an advantage on my part. His weakness made a quick and clean kill.
 
 Why I beat up his cold body afterwards I still did not have an answer for, and, well, it shocked me. At first I thought this would be my Victim. Unlucky me, it wasn't.
 
 All the Shadows talked about their Victims. It scarred them for the rest of their lives. Nothing more could be so traumatizing, no one or no thing could leave a scar that deep, they said.
 
I knew it would have been too easy. A weak warrior wouldn't, couldn't be my Victim.
 
A rustle in the bushes caught my attention though I did not have to spare a glance upward to know who it was.
 
 “That overgrown kit wasn't even a loss to FernClan,” cackled Felony in that same old gravelly tone that made my ears twitch with annoyance. “His death will probably strengthen them! No one will even notice his absence.”
 
 I turned to her as Felony slithered out of a clump of ferns like a snake. Although I knew what she said was true, I still felt a bit defensive for the tom. “No one would miss you if you died, either.” I muttered.
 
 Felony's grin dropped. “Mourning and noticing are two different things, mind you.” she growled.
 
 I glared at her, seething. “Sure they are,” I meowed sarcastically. “Why did you give me this job anyway? Barleyclaw meant nothing to our work and he was so weak a kitten could've ended him; you and I both know that!”
 
 Felony must've caught my change of subject because she snorted.
 
 "The murder of victims mustn't always revolve around the strength of the two opponents. It also helps to do well on the disposal process,” she lectured, stepping forward threateningly. “And, Fang, how many days do you have left? If I'm correct, kits have more time on their paws than you do.”
 
 I clenched my teeth. Disposal? Thirty victims and now she was judging me on how I got rid of the stupid bodies? “Thirty. Thirty days.” I hissed, gritting my teeth. StarClan, do I hate her!

 
“What are you waiting for?” Felony snapped impatiently, flicking her tail. “Go! Take that out of here before that fox-dung of a Clan comes with their pesky little dawn patrols. So “big and brave”....” her venting went on as she stalked away.
 
 I sigh and dig my teeth into his scruff. Despite the fact that the frail body looked a little bit older, like and elder, he felt younger. His body was as light as a feather; his weight was about equivalent to a kit's.
 
I slowly made my way towards the Pit, pondering all the while. I'd had sixty days to begin with. I'd killed thirty cats, so I had only thirty days left. When would I get my Victim? It had to be within the next few cats, right? Didn't the Victims take the longest amount of time? I'd heard rumours that an elder Shadow's Victim had taken him all the days he'd had left.

 
The foul, pungent odour of death made me stop to paw at my nose in stress. My vision was beginning to get blurry with tears and I felt slightly nauseas and dizzy. I knew I was close to the Pit now.
 
“But be careful. Once you have been masked in its tantalizing fumes you may not be able to find your way there. It gets very confusing.” I remembered those words as clear as day every time I was ridding the forest of another body. The smells can make you disoriented so you had to take care of where you put each paw when you got within several fox-lengths of the Pit.

Maybe Felony's right. If I must complain to myself whenever I have to throw out a body, maybe I do need extra training in the disposal of victims. But then again....I mean, the Pit was my least favorite part of the job. Just going there made me shiver in my skin. The bones, the stench, the souls....I'll never like it, no matter how much training I'm forced into.
 
The sudden thought occurred to me that Felony might be waiting for me so I effortlessly picked Barleyclaw back up and crept down the swathe of dead, rattling trees towards the Pit. After some distance I took one deep breath, and one big step then swung my neck to one side.
 
One....I'm not going any farther. Two....Staying right here. Three!....I let go of the loose fur on the bony neck of the tom that I held in my jaws. Barleyclaw went flying through, crashing through brambles and bushes. I could hear every crack of his stiff bones – or were they the bones in the depths of the Pit? - as he rolled down into the ditch.
 
I gave not another glimpse at the Pit. The skulls and blood and death were too overwhelming for me. I couldn't deal with it. Besides, I got his body in. That's all I needed to do.
 
 
I made my way back to the Camp, blinking my watery eyes to clear the fumes that still stung them.

“Well, well, well. Fang. You did well, although so close. I watched and just as you got out of their territory with the body, dawn patrol came.” Felony spoke from in front of me. I peeked up from staring at the ground and blinking rapidly. She was grooming casually. “Close call, you had. Meet me at my Cave when you get back to the Camp. Remember: Twenty-nine now.”

In the same heartbeat the was there, she was gone. I shook my head in confusion and got back to walking. Close call. Twenty nine.
 

Chapter Two: Twenty-Nine
Shhhh writing writing

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
[size=50]Save
[/size]
Writing Writing Writing Writing
Writing Writing Writing Writing
Writing Writing
 

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
[size=50]Save
[/size]
Writing Writing Writing Writing
Writing Writing Writing Writing
Writing Writing
 

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
save



Sσ ǀ ωαтcн тнє ѕυммєя ѕтαяѕ тσ ℓєα∂ мє нσмє
Not yet. sou gotta live <3

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
save



Sσ ǀ ωαтcн тнє ѕυммєя ѕтαяѕ тσ ℓєα∂ мє нσмє
Not yet. sou gotta live <3

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
save



Sσ ǀ ωαтcн тнє ѕυммєя ѕтαяѕ тσ ℓєα∂ мє нσмє
Not yet. sou gotta live <3

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
save



Last edited by separated segments on June 13th 2015, 11:03 am; edited 1 time in total



Sσ ǀ ωαтcн тнє ѕυммєя ѕтαяѕ тσ ℓєα∂ мє нσмє
Not yet. sou gotta live <3

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
Save



Sσ ǀ ωαтcн тнє ѕυммєя ѕтαяѕ тσ ℓєα∂ мє нσмє
Not yet. sou gotta live <3

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
//cuts ribbon- Woo-hoo, open for posting =^-^=



Sσ ǀ ωαтcн тнє ѕυммєя ѕтαяѕ тσ ℓєα∂ мє нσмє
Not yet. sou gotta live <3

Phantomstar57

avatar
Limerick
Please do Fan me!!



Phantomstar
Author of Warrior fan fiction,
NEW BLOOD-Born of Smoke & Fire and all its spinoffs and one shots. 
Author of KHAN: A MAINE COON

Those who refuse to learn from the past--are condemned to repeat it. In a truly free society, individuals succeed or fail by the consequences of their conduct
  
http://www.mariejsphillips.com/

separated segments

avatar
Quatrain
Okay! cx Thanks ^^



Sσ ǀ ωαтcн тнє ѕυммєя ѕтαяѕ тσ ℓєα∂ мє нσмє
Not yet. sou gotta live <3

Sponsored content


View previous topic View next topic Back to top  Message [Page 1 of 1]

Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum